If you’ve ever sat across from your partner at the kitchen table, wondering if this is just how things will always be…if the frustration, disconnection, or miscommunication will never change…you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common, and most whispered, questions I hear in my work with high-achieving couples: Can people really change? This week on the Relationship Reset podcast, I had the absolute pleasure of talking with someone I deeply respect in the field of couples therapy: Dr. Kathryn Ford.
She’s not just a therapist with over 20 years of experience, she’s a Stanford-trained psychiatrist who blends neuroscience, mindfulness, and relational depth in a way that makes complex truths feel deeply human and incredibly actionable. Her new book, The Aperture Effect: A Radically Simple Approach to Finding Joy and Connection in Your Relationship, is a practical guide for couples who want to grow together. It’s not your typical read-and-nod-along relationship book. It’s filled with real exercises that challenge you to actually practice what you’re learning, right in the middle of your real-life conversations. Spoiler: it works.
So, Can People Really Change?
Dr. Ford and I dove into this loaded question and unpacked it from multiple angles. First, the science: neuroscience tells us that the brain is designed to change. That neuroplasticity isn’t just for kids or college students. It’s for all of us. Our brains are constantly reorganizing and forming new connections based on how we use them. That means the way we think, relate, and react isn’t fixed in stone.
But just because we can change doesn’t mean we always do. And that’s where the relational part comes in. Dr. Ford explained that the biggest mistake we make is expecting our partner to change in a vacuum. We want to sit back, arms crossed, and say, “Show me. Prove you can be different.” But in reality, change in a relationship happens in partnership. We are either supporting the change process or sabotaging it, often without realizing it.
The Right Conditions Matter
Think of change like a seed. You can throw it on the sidewalk and hope for the best, or you can plant it in fertile soil, water it regularly, and protect it from too much sun or wind. The same goes for your relationship. Dr. Ford talks about creating the “right experiment” when it comes to change. That means creating an environment in your relationship where it’s safe to try, to stumble, and to try again. If every misstep is met with criticism, sarcasm, or the cold shoulder, that seed won’t grow. But if even the tiniest effort is acknowledged, “Hey, I noticed you really listened just now. That meant a lot”, then the motivation to keep going builds.
We talked about how often couples sabotage change because it doesn’t look big enough or fast enough. A partner listens well for 10 minutes, then checks their phone, and the other says, “See? Nothing’s changed.” But the truth is, change often looks like small green shoots before it becomes a towering oak. If we don’t recognize and nurture those early signs, we squash them before they can take root.
Change Isn’t Linear
One of my favorite parts of the conversation was when Dr. Ford broke down the phases of change. She shared a progression from unconscious incompetence (you don’t even know you’re doing the thing that bothers your partner) to conscious incompetence (you know it, but it’s hard to change), to conscious competence (you’re doing it, but it’s effortful), and eventually to unconscious competence (it’s second nature).
That journey isn’t clean. People slide back. They forget. They revert. But that doesn’t mean change isn’t happening. It means it’s working the way real change does. This is why I tell the couples I work with that we have to stop expecting 180-degree transformations and start celebrating 2% shifts. Can people really change? Yes. But it looks more like two degrees to the left each day than a dramatic overnight turn.
You’re Part of the Process
Dr. Ford emphasized something I see all the time: the changes we want in our partner are often connected to changes we need to make ourselves. Not in a “it’s your fault too” kind of way, but in a “this is a system” kind of way.
If you want them to communicate more clearly? How do you respond when they try?
Want them to help more around the house? Do you micromanage how they do it?
Want them to show affection? Do you acknowledge the moments when they do?
We can unintentionally send signals that say, “You’re doing it wrong” even when they’re trying to do it differently. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t want or ask for change. It means we need to pay attention to how we show up in the process.
The Aperture Effect
At the heart of Dr. Ford’s work is the concept of the Aperture Effect. Aperture, as in a camera lens, is about how open or closed we are in the moment. When we’re closed, no new information gets in. Conversations feel like dead ends. But when we’re open, even difficult topics can lead to connection.
Dr. Ford teaches couples to become aware of their own openness first. “Am I open right now? Is my partner open?” And if not, she gives strategies for adjusting the conversation, slowing down, and shifting the environment so it becomes more constructive. One of her most powerful tools is the idea of scheduled, volitional conversations (not surprise “we need to talk” ambushes). Let your partner know what the topic is and when you want to talk about it. Give them time to come to the conversation open, not defensive. It sounds simple, but it changes everything.
Real Change, Real Praise
One of the biggest takeaways from this episode is something I see couples miss all the time: praise is powerful. Not the “good job” kind of praise. The kind that sounds like, “I felt so seen when you did that. I felt respected when you paused and really heard me.” When we offer meaningful, specific praise, we reinforce the behavior we want to see. And we remind ourselves that change is happening. We retrain our own brains to see it.
Dr. Ford reminded us that relationships thrive when morale is high. That doesn’t mean pretending everything’s great. It means nurturing what’s going well, so we have the energy to face what isn’t.
So, Can People Really Change?
Yes. People change every day. But real, lasting change in relationships takes more than time. It takes intention, environment, and support. It takes a partner who believes in the possibility, even when it’s slow. It takes tools like the ones in Dr. Ford’s book and conversations like the one we had on the podcast.
The next time you find yourself wondering if your partner will ever change, or if you can change, pause. Ask yourself, Have I created the right conditions? Am I seeing the 2%? Am I acknowledging the progress, not just the setbacks? Can people really change? Absolutely. Especially when we stop doing it alone.
Grab your copy of Dr. Kathryn Ford’s book, The Aperture Effect, and learn how to support real change in your relationship—with less resistance and more connection.
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