2020 is teaching us more than we could have ever imagined about ourselves and life. Grief has been prevalent for most of us during these long months, whether we realize it or not.
I sought to answer another question during this time of such uncertainty, so I asked my online community: “Does grief cause suffering?”
What is grief? I sought out to answer this question beyond just something we experience after someone’s death.
I remember the first time someone called me a healer. I took it as a compliment similar to being told I was “pretty” or “nice”. I didn’t give it much weight, mainly because I didn’t quite understand or believe it.
“Mom’s dead.” There were a lot of other things said before and after this sentence, but this is the only sentence I can recall. A phone call in the middle of the night in Germany from my brother in the USA. I took an immediate flight with my husband that morning to be with my family in my mom’s home. This wasn’t expected. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. My mom was supposed to visit for Christmas, to answer my questions about what my childhood was like as I raise two daughters, to be here for me.
The f word has taken over in our society. It’s causing us to struggle in our relationships, work, self-esteem and daily lives.
For years, I have been teaching clients to start to remove the f word from how they talk about things so that it loses its power. What I find though is that most of us were raised by people who used the f word, and it has now become a habit. Even our medical world is plagued by this word because health insurance companies need diagnoses.
I used to stand up and move to the next thing immediately. Whether it was getting my kids to school and myself to work, or moving to the next project in my day. I rarely stood to ground myself, to stand in my own shoes.
We have lost ourselves because we stopped being present in our own skin. We stopped standing to be, to exist. If we are going to stand, it must mean action has to occur, right?
There’s this internal “warrior“ side that comes out of us at times. A primal fighter that refuses to give up. We all have it, but it’s voice can become muted by the voices surrounding us and our own false beliefs. I have always felt my warrior side in me, but she hasn’t always been allowed to rise until now.
People have made jokes about the outcome of the virus: “There’s either going to be a lot of babies or a lot divorces at the end of all this.”
Clients have said it to me, friends have said it to me, and all I could think about was the grief that is coming for so many. Many of you are already feeling it now.
Two other groups came to my mind when all this started as people were making jokes:
Grief is not easy, no matter how someone appears on the outside. As I reflected on my own grief about a year ago, I had a nerd moment. A line from a movie popped into my head and perfectly described what it was like to grieve.
Anger has always been the phase of grief I have skipped over for the last 20 months since my mom died and our family experienced multiple more losses. When it starts to show up, I have received messages from those around me that something is wrong with me if I have all that anger inside me.